Something to hope for
by lknightly
Summary: Because you don't know what you've got until you lose it. An Anthony DiNozzo Hurt/Comfort fic.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One – F*ckin' Perfect**

_**Disclaimer: Everything you recognize is not mine. Everything is created by my insane imagination. **_

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><p><em>Made a wrong turn<em>

_Once or twice_

_Dug my way out_

_Blood and fire_

_Bad decisions_

_That's alright_

_Welcome to my silly life_

- Fuckin' Perfect by Pink

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><p>"You're suspended for two weeks, DiNozzo" Gibbs yelled at him. "Then desk duty for the rest of the month."<p>

DiNozzo grunted. Gibbs had been on the edge all week. And not surprisingly, most of the arguments and fights were directed to the one and only 'Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo'.

"Seriously? Boss, can't we talk it out?" DiNozzo asked with a hoarse voice. He cleared his throat. "I made a good call. I'm being responsible and taking the blame if all things had gone downhill I would have taken the blame."

"Taking the blame. Do you think that would have been enough? What would you have said to the thousands of family of those marines if the ship had blown off!"

Gibbs was fuming; maybe 'fuming' was a bit of an understatement. Gibbs took a big breath before continuing.

"You don't understand the consequences of your actions, DiNozzo. Your reckless choices almost blew weeks of work in the operation."

"You said it 'almost'. In the end, we got the situation in control. Isn't that what counts?"

"If you continue arguing with me, DiNozzo, I won't stop myself from putting the official reprimand on your file. Don't think for a minute just because you're SFA it won't happen."

That made DiNozzo shut his mouth.

"Now get that report written. I need it before your unpaid leave. Badge and weapon on your drawer."

DiNozzo pressed his lips, hopefully it helped him to keep his mouth shut and prevent any complaints from coming out. He wouldn't put it past Gibbs to add another week of unpaid suspension or worse complaining to Vance about him. He saw he had voice mail on his phone. Five from the hospital. 'What would they want now?' Tony thought. He took a quick look around and saw that Gibbs was watching his every move. 'Damn.' He would have to call them later. That was Tony's last thought before he started typing his report.

Not that DiNozzo would ever tell his teammates but he was glad of being suspended. He needed time off. He was dealing during the past month with a cold that didn't want to let go. And he knew it was about time to get it checked out. He had promised Ducky he would last week and he did although he had no time to go check his test results or call back to the hospital. The enormous amount of work with the operation left him no choice but to leave it until later.

They had asked for pizza since the team was working until late, but surprisingly an hour later Tony had yet to touch the two slices of pizza on his table.

"Tony?" Ziva interrupted his thoughts. By now he had two thirds of his report done, but he still needed to revise other reports, file and integrate Ziva's and McGee's report as Senior Field Agent.

"What is it, Ziva?" Tony told her, a bit harshly, he was just not on a good mood and his throat was still bothering him. He had been so immersed into writing the report; he didn't even notice that only Ziva, McGee and he were the ones missing.

"We're leaving, McGee and I, we're going to the bar. It's Friday night. Or what's left of it." She said while glancing at her watch. "We thought you might want to join us for a drink?"

"Need to turn this in before I leave. Don't want to give another reason to get booted. I think Vance is expecting me to, so maybe other day next week I'm free. Rain check?"

"Sure, though I'm pretty sure Gibbs won't let Vance kick you out of the team." Tim answered him. "You're like his favorite."

"I'm pretty sure that spot is taken by someone else. I thought we did a good work." He said with his head down. "I mean, yes, there were complications. But why didn't the Intel from the FBI warn us that there were kids in there. Innocent kids! Why were we not informed that they had kidnapped the kids from Navy families? I chose the kids over killing the bastards who then escaped with the detonator. If it had gone off..."

"But it didn't," Ziva stopped him from thinking of the disastrous outcome.

"Ziva if you hadn't stopped them and it had gone off. Not only would Gibbs fire me, I think I wouldn't have let him fire me. I would've quit. So, thank you." Tony said gratefully.

"I'm really glad, you did what you did, Tony. I mean, maybe you won't hear this from Gibbs, but if you didn't diffuse the bombs on the kids they were using to blackmail SecNav and the others and they got killed. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself either."

"I know." Tony said softly. "I made my choice and I would do the same given a second chance in a blink."

"It's been a very harsh day. Yes. For all of us. What you need right now, Tony, is to eat." Ziva told him, pushing him the pizza to him.

"I think you mean hard day. And thanks for the pizza, but honestly I'm not hungry." Tony said with a sincere smile. "I appreciate your concern from you both, I will definitely use this week to catch some Zs."

"You do that. See you soon?"

"Or maybe in a bar next week," Tony winked at Ziva. "You should join us McDrinks. I might teach you a trick or two on how to treat a lady."

"Hardly think is possible. But I'll go. Don't stay here too long." Both McGee and Ziva left through the elevator doors.

For the first time in months, all his reports and were finished. It had taken two more hours after his teammates had left. Tony stood up and stretched his back. He took his reports and left them neatly on Gibbs table. He quenched his dry throat by buying Gatorade on the vending machine. Tony hadn't realized how tense he was and finally let himself relax since he had the office all by himself. It was already one o'clock.

He took his badge and holstered gun and left it on his drawer. It was then that he took his mails and saw one in particular with the word urgent on the envelope. He felt his throat dry as he realized it was from Bethesda, scanning quickly the contents on the letter. He photocopied the letter, added a quick note and left it attached to his badge.

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><p><em>Pretty, pretty please<em>

_Don't you ever, ever feel_

_Like your less than_

_Fuckin' perfect_

- Fuckin' Perfect by Pink

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><p><strong><em>Author's note: Please review. It's my first NCIS fic. I have a lot of ideas for this fic, but I'd like to know if you like it or not to continue. Please review. <em>**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two – All That I've Got**

_**Disclaimer: Everything you recognize is not mine. Everything is created by my insane imagination.**_

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><p><em>I'll be just fine<em>

_Pretending I'm not_

_I'm far from lonely _

_And it's all that I've got_

- All That I've Got by The Used

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><p><strong><em>Two weeks later …<em>**

"DiNozzo here yet? Or will he keep coming here late?" Gibbs asked his team.

"I haven't heard from him." McGee said.

"I'll give him a call." Ziva spoke up.

The elevator doors opened, revealing a smiling but tired looking DiNozzo with a water bottle in hand.

"Like stretching the limit, don't ya?" Gibbs said smacking him on the back of the head.

"I got here just ten minutes late, boss." Tony said looking down to his watch.

"You've got ten seconds to get to your desk and start working on cold cases. NOW!" Gibbs barked.

Tony hurriedly got to his desk. He checked his drawer. Apparently it was left intact. He grabbed the letter he left last time and hid it before starting to work on the cold cases.

"So, Tony, any reason you didn't call us to go to the bar?"

"I will be honest with you I was so busy, Ziva, that I completely forgot." Tony said with a smile.

"What were you doing that kept you so busy?" Ziva said with a distinct mischief look on her eyes.

"That, my dear, is for me to know and you to ponder." Tony said with a smirk.

"Is that your line to say you were picking up "chicks" with your so extensive knowledge?" Ziva said now standing in front of his desk.

"Wait until you see the DiNozzo charm for the ladies in action. Then we'll talk, Ziver."

McGee cleared his throat.

"What? You don't believe me?" Tony said standing up.

"I am a lady, and I would never fall for the likes of you." Ziva told him.

"That's because you're immune to feelings, Ziva. You're just a Mossad ninja chick who has a wall up to your head. It's impossible for any human being to charm you."

"I think the world would be a better place if you kept your mouth shut." Comments like these triggered Tony's anger.

"I agree," said McGee. "Did you know we actually finished and closed more cases last week than usual?" _'Was it picking on Tony day? What was it with their teammates?_'

"That is true," Ziva said. "I thought you were really worried about your job. Coming late and I mean you reeking of alcohol on a Monday morning looking all disheveled. I bet you were partying last night. Why am I not surprised?"

"Hey! Take that back! I do not reek of alcohol and I was not up partying last night!" Tony said standing up. _'These people woke up on the wrong side of the bed today_' He thought.

Smack!

"DiNozzo! David! If I hear you two bickering one more time, I'll make your lives hell today. Got it?"

"And DiNozzo, I'm not sure if your nose can smell or not, but ours sure does and your clothes stink of alcohol. I thought you were going to rest this week, but I guess your frat persona just got the better of you."

DiNozzo kept silent. McGee could sense anger in the SFA. But Tony kept himself in control. Soon, Gibbs walked out of the room and headed to MTAC.

It was already one o'clock in the afternoon when Abby called Tony on the phone. Everyone was on their lunch break. Except DiNozzo, as he found the attitude of his coworkers infuriating and rather liked the solitude as of late.

"Tony!"

"Abbs, what's up?"

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be on lunch break?"

"Why are you calling me if you thought I shouldn't be here right now?" Tony asked back.

"Hmmm... I saw you?"

"Abby if you saw me I'm pretty sure you would've stopped by here in person."

"What if I have a super duper important test that my lovely Major Mass Spec needs of my assistance?"

"Abby, I'm not buying a thing of what you're telling me."

"I am deeply hurt by what you're saying. Does that mean that you do not trust me?"

"AbbY! Can you please just get to the point of this conversation?" Tony was getting a headache.

"Ok. I admit it! I sort of hacked the cameras and saw you. Happy?"

"Ecstatic. Now why would you do that?"

"I had a hinky feeling you were there."

"McGee told you."

"Not so… Dammit Tony you're like a lie detector. Yes, he told me."

"I'm glad now we're finally reaching honesty here," said Tony.

"Not really. Why haven't you gone to lunch?" Abby told him.

"Not hungry."

"Not a good enough answer. Spill!"

"Gibbs hates me." Tony said in a low voice.

"Bossman doesn't hate you. That's like impossible."

"You haven't seen how he's been lately to me, Abbs."

"I'm sure this is just a stage you both are going. I mean he's like a father to you. Kids fight their parents all the time." Abby said logically.

"I would say yes, but you know things haven't been exactly the same since he left Mexico." Tony admitted to her.

"It's because you haven't opened up to him like before." This made Tony feel a bit on edge. _Why was Abby blaming it on him? He wasn't the one who left._

"I'm not sure I can Abbs. And now, he's just really pissed off."

"I don't believe you."

"Abbs, he didn't call me this whole two weeks I was suspended." Tony coughed.

"Oooh, this is bad. He calls you like every weekend and that's just like two days."

"I know."

"But hey, Tony I called you last week and you didn't answer."

"That's not the point Abbs, I know you called. I sort of forgot and I am sorry. I just have other things in mind." Tony said exasperated. "The point is he's giving me the cold shoulder and he is angry at me." For the second time Tony was coughing. A lot.

"Weren't you going to rest this week?" Abby asked him when the coughing stopped.

"Why can't people believe me that I did?" Tony told her and then sarcastically added. "Ok. What I did was going from one bar to another hooking up with random women because I'm a frat guy who needs party to live."

He shouldn't have said that, but he was just so angry with everyone assuming and prejudging him he splurged that out of rage.

"Anthony DiNozzo these weeks were a week you were supposed to feel guilty and behave. Not party and drink!"

"Abbs!" He couldn't believe she believed more his sarcasm than when he was being honest.

"Don't you, Abbs me, mister! I'll tell Tim to buy you something. But honestly if you want to get better, you need to take care of yourself."

Tony couldn't even answer back as Abby had already shut the phone off.

Ten minutes later while everyone was still on their lunch break, Ducky called Tony.

"Anthony!"

"Hey Duck."

"May I remind you that your appointment is today at three?"

"Ducky, I haven't been able to finish reading the cold case that Gibbs left me. I am not sure I'll get it all done."

"Anthony, dear boy, you will not discuss whether or not you're going. You are going and that is not debatable. But what you need to do is to let Jethro know."

"I'll only ask his permission to leave early today. But I'm not telling anyone why." Tony responded to him.

"I respect your wishes, young lad. But that rift you both have right now is not getting any better."

"You do know it has to work both ways? It doesn't matter how much I want if he just doesn't want to. Anyways, I'm waiting for HR to send me how much vacation and downtime I can get."

"Are you going to tell your teammates? Abby? Palmer?"

"Honestly, Duck. I just want this to go as low profile as possible."

"That means you won't tell them. Is there any way I can change your mind?"

"Right now? No." Tony said softly. He heard the ding of the elevator and saw Gibbs, Ziva and McGee entering.

"Talk to you later, Duck." Tony said closing off the phone.

Gibbs saw Tony walk up to him.

"Personal calls on office hours?"

"Not really, just talking to Duck. Hmm. Boss?" Tony called him as Gibbs somehow sprinted away from him. "Can I speak to you for a second?"

"Please?" Tony said softly.

Unfortunately Gibb's cell phone started ringing.

"We've got a case. Grab your gears! DiNozzo, you're still on desk duty. Finish reviewing the cold cases. We'll talk when we get back."

"And here, take this. Desk duty doesn't mean you don't get to eat, DiNozzo." Gibbs told him handing him a brown bag inside with a sandwich.

"Thanks, boss." Tony said surprised. Abby's message to Tim went to Gibbs. '_Just my luck'_. He thought.

"Don't get used to it." '_Harsh!_' Tony thought. But he remembered quickly why he needed to talk to Gibbs and stopped him from entering the elevator.

"Ten seconds, boss. I need to leave earlier today, I just wanted to clear it with you."

"Why do you need to leave early, DiNozzo?"

"Helping Duck on something he asked me." Tony knew he shouldn't have said that but those were the first words that came out of his head.

"I'll call Duck on my way. If he really needs you, then you can go." The lack of Gibbs' trust, even if right now Tony was lying, hurt him deeper than he would ever admit. But at least Ducky would cover for him and that was at least better than nothing.

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><p><strong>Author's Note: A huge thank you for all your reviews! I hope you liked this chapter. Any comments and ideas are welcome. I sort of have a timeline of what will happen, which I think will be pretty awesome if you're into poor Tony getting sick and hurt. Please read and review! Currently using my lunch break to post this! Hoping this makes your Monday a little brighter!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three – Over My Head**

_**Disclaimer: Everything you recognize is not mine. Everything is created by my insane imagination.**_

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><p><em>I never knew<em>

_I never knew _

_that everything was falling through_

_That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue_

_To turn and run _

_when all I needed was the truth_

- Over My Head by The Fray

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><p>When Ducky came up at three o'clock, he saw Tony slumped on his chair sleeping. The rest of the team was still held up on the crime scene. Ducky still had to do the autopsy of the body, but he knew Tony needed someone to accompany him. He knew Tony had lied to Gibbs and almost wanted to head slap him, but looking at the young exhausted man made him silently forgive him.<p>

"Anthony?" Ducky gently woke him up.

"Duck?" Tony said sleepily. "Where am.. Damn I fell asleep in the office?"

"Yes, thankfully for you I imagine, the rest of the team is still questioning and looking for the culprits."

"Thank God for small miracles," Tony muttered softly. "What time is it?"

"Three o'clock. Time for your radiation appointment." Ducky told him.

"It's only today at this time, right? I got the rest of the week at six?" Tony asked him.

"Yes. But may I warn you that this is easier to hide. I don't think when chemo starts you'll be able to work."

"That's why I'm programming using my years of unused vacation." Tony said with a smile. Tony knew Ducky would never tell anyone without his explicit permission.

"Come on," Ducky said letting Tony use him for support. None of them realizing that a letter had slipped from Tony's coat and landed underneath Ziva's desk.

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><p>"Tony actually left?" Ziva asked as they got to the office.<p>

"Yeah, Ducky needs new furniture and they close the store at five. He needed Tony just for today."

"And the autopsy?" McGee asked.

"Duck will come tonight to finish it." Gibbs told them.

"Will Tony come to finish his hours?" Ziva asked.

"Don't know. Didn't ask. Let's just focus on the case, will ya?"

"Monica Phillips. Daughter of Real State Magnate Ted Lerner. Wife of Commander Paul Phillips. He has been working overseas in Afghanistan. Found dead this morning. "

"They have two kids. Arthur who is eight and Alexander who is five. Both go to Washington International School."

"What else did DiNozzo investigate for us?"

"Apparently there's some relation to him and the helicopter crash a few weeks ago."

"Let's keep digging. If that is true, thread carefully or we might get NSA and NATO to take over the case."

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><p>Tony had never felt his bed as comfortable as it was right now. He had washed his teeth, tried to drink some water. But his throat was being overly sensitive he couldn't even swallow well.<p>

Two weeks ago, he thought. That week had been an emotional roller coaster. From reading the letter telling him the urgency of the tests that might be probable cancer, to dealing and admitting to Ducky that he had cancer, to actually choosing which treatment. Telling Ducky was one of the most difficult tasks because telling him simply made it true, but he knew he needed someone who could explain what was happening to him. Larynx cancer. That was what he had.

Tony thought his lungs were the one causing his cold from recuperating fast. Dr. Brad Pitt told him it wasn't his lungs that caused it. He had Tony retake various x-rays, blood tests, laryngoscopy and finally biopsy.

"_Tony?_"_ Dr. Pitt called him._

_Tony opened his eyes. 'Still stuck in this nightmare' he thought. _

"_Tony, are you sure you don't want to call anyone? You have Dr. Donald Mallard as your next of kin. Wasn't this Gibbs?_"

"_Changed him after he left to Mexico._"_ Tony whispered. His throat felt extremely dry and sensitive. Damn those procedures. _

_They had taken over a hundred tests. Not literally, but that was what Tony felt. Hospitals always made him feel queasy. Even someone taking blood out was a horrendous. He had gotten in on Friday night, and it was Saturday night and doctors still wanted to test him some more. _

"_What else do you need? More blood?_"_ Tony asked grumpily._

"_The oncologist, Dr. Jason Bommer, needs you to call someone or we'll do it for you._"

"_Isn't that my decision?_"_ Tony asked angrily. _"_I don't want to call anyone. Why should I?_"

"_Tony, I am sorry but this, you need support. I mean I'm your friend and I'll help you in any way I can. I am not sure if you understand the dimension of what is going on here._"_ Brad paused. Tony could feel his eardrums with each heartbeat. _

"_Is this your way of saying I've got cancer?_"_ Tony splurged out. Not on purpose, but the anxiety was killing him slowly. The wait for the test results was not keeping him happy either. Was it so hard to get to the point?_

"_The final test, the biopsy, showed us the extent of the malignant tumor. So, yes, you do have cancer. Stage III larynx cancer to be precise._"_ Dr. Jason Bommer started to explain. _"_Are you sure you don't want to call anyone?_"

_Tony had gone into a trance like state. But the tears forming in his eyes told the doctors that he had heard them clearly. One thing is thinking that you might have a deadly disease. Another is knowing you have it. Just like last time with the plague. _

"_That's it, I'm calling Ducky,_"_ Brad told Tony. Tony just gave a slight nod. _

"_Wait until Dr. Mallard gets here._"_ Brad asked the oncologist before leaving the room to call Ducky._

Tony wasn't sure if Ducky understood how grateful he was. After the news hit him harshly his mind had shut off. Thankfully Ducky understood doctor language and later explained it to him simply.

As they explained the symptoms Tony hadn't realized he fit most of the symptoms. Sore throat, earache, bad breath, feeling pain on the throat, weight loss. All descriptions of the symptoms without a deep through analysis could have been explained by a cold that lingered because of his sensitive lungs and weight loss due to stress and sleepless nights. His loss of appetite and his choking on food was probably what made him and Ducky worry and what made him finally go to the hospital to do some tests.

Letting the 'cold' for months just made the case worse. As by last week test results the cancer was on stage III. While the doctors were not concerned due to the high survival rate, unlike the plague. It was the 'might' loose your voice and 'food will taste like sand' comments that worried Tony the most.

A stage III cancer of the glottis (a part of the larynx) meant you had a lymph node about the size of a walnut on your throat that interfered with the flow of your vocal cords. In simple words your voice was strained or hoarse. Stage III also meant the malignant tumor was spreading and in Tony's case it was spreading towards the subglottis, making it to Tony more difficult to swallow.

The only good thing that was revealed from the chest x-ray was that the cancer had not spread to his lungs. But the CT and MRI scan clearly revealed a stage III cancer.

Doctors overwhelmed Tony with information because there was an extreme urgency to stop the cancer from spreading.

In the end, Ducky helped Tony choose which procedure to treat the cancer. He had decided with Tony's input that from what the doctors had told him, radiation and targeted therapy were his best choices. Due to the significant area the cancer was affecting surgery meant removing completely Tony's larynx. Meaning he would have a stoma and would have to deal with relearning how to talk, a whole in his esophagus, throwing his career at NCIS off because you cannot hold your breath with a stoma. This and other issues really scared the crap out of Tony.

They had started his treatment almost right away. They were researching which treatment would be better for him and what suited him the best. They decided to do a Targeted Therapy + Radiation Therapy. They used targeted therapy utilizing 'Cetuximab'. It was supposed to give him better odds prolonging his survival due to locoregionally advanced squamous cell carcinoma in his larynx. They gave him 400 mg/m2 loading dose IV one week before Radiation Therapy. After that he had to go weekly for a 250 mg/m2. The first dosage was utterly hell, even though this treatment was supposed to be less toxic than chemo. At least he could keep his hair, but he was not immune to the drug's side effects like rashes, fever, fatigue, nausea, poor appetite and difficulty sleeping. Thankfully it only hit him hard the first two days after the infusion.

The first time Tony went to radiation last week was utterly horrible. He had never felt as claustrophobic until he had a very uncomfortable mask that locked him to a table. While the procedure never took more than twenty minutes, he knew he will never relax no matter how many times the nurse told him to.

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><p>DiNozzo kept staring at his ceiling. It was nine o'clock and he was already in bed. He did feel incredibly tired. Ducky was going to pick him up tomorrow to get his radiation treatment in the morning and then his second one at night. Studies showed that getting double radiation in a six week cycle increased his chances by ten percent of survival. And he'd take that extra percentage. He needed some reassurance, some safety net that in the end he'll make it through. He closed his eyes. Maybe. Just maybe sleep would come easy tonight.<p>

"Anthony?" Someone called him up.

But he didn't want to wake up. Hadn't he just fallen asleep?

"Tony?" Same voice was insistent on bringing him up.

"Come on lad, wake up," He was certain it was Ducky, but his eyes just felt like closing again. "If I had the strength I would've carried you to the car without waking you up, but I can't on my own."

Slowly Tony opened his eyes.

"I just started sleeping, Duck. It can't be already time to wake up, it's still dark out there." Tony said as he glanced outside.

"It's winter that's why it's still dark and believe me it's almost six thirty. Remember your morning appointment?" Ducky asked.

Tony groaned.

"Come on, I'll let you sleep in the car." Ducky said with a smile.

Ducky chose some comfortable jogging pants and a hoodie, like last week. He laid the clothes on Tony's bed, while Tony used the bathroom.

"What about my work clothes?" Tony asked.

"In the bag," Ducky said pointing to the sac he was currently fixing.

"It'll get wrinkled," Tony said.

"I think, you worry too much about that. Personally, I do not believe that people will notice if your shirt is perfectly pressed." Ducky told him trying to make him understand that some things right now, were irrelevant. But to Tony it was important to keep his image. However he was too tired and too cold to argue and comfy clothes did make him feel better as long as it was not in the office.

Fifteen minutes later, a yogurt fed agent headed to the hospital with the help of the ME. Brad greeted them as they got in.

"He's tired?" Brad asked Ducky as the nurses meanwhile got Tony into some hospital robes.

"Yes. I believe he didn't sleep well tonight. I found him sleeping on his desk yesterday." Ducky told him.

"Unfortunately that is going to become more frequent, instead of less. The nurses also informed me that his chest also have rashes, due to the Cetuximab. I'll prescribe him some medicated lotion to put on." Dr. Jason said as he came into the room.

"Is it healthy to let him continue to work?" Ducky asked.

"In radiation treatments, it is better if patients continue to keep them active. As long as it is desk duty, I don't see why he shouldn't. It keeps his mind occupied. He does has to take days off when he goes through a dose of Cetuximab and when chemo starts then I'd rather have him stay the whole week."

"I know. But he doesn't want Jethro, I mean his boss to know," Ducky argued.

"In the end, he won't have a choice," Dr. Jason told him, "Let him hold his position right now. Taking it away from him will do more damage than good right now. Doesn't Tony have other family members that can help you? His father, perhaps? He's the only one I see that is alive in his profile."

"That man doesn't deserve the father title. And believe me, his family is his team, which is why I want him to tell his boss and his teammates. Don't tell Tony, but I am also arranging to take my vacations next month at least for two weeks while he's in chemo."

"That will certainly help."

"Dr. Bommer?" A nurse called. "Mr. DiNozzo is prepped."

It took about twenty minutes, five minutes to locate the radiation spot and fifteen of radiation, for the overall process to finish. When it ended, they found a very nauseous looking DiNozzo.

"Jason? Get this off me." He said to him with his eyes closed. DiNozzo couldn't move with the mask that immobilized him from his shoulders and up.

Two nurses came in to help and released him just in time as DiNozzo hunched and retched the little breakfast he had this morning. It took several minutes before Tony's stomach settled down.

"Is this usual?" Asked Tony. "I thought for a moment I was still with the Targeted Therapy thing. But that was on Friday. Should I still feel this nauseous?"

"Nausea is one of the side effects of radiation and TT, like fatigue. Some side effects are right away. Fatigue for example sets in stronger as treatment goes on. Some others present itself depending on the patient, like headaches and nausea. Every patient is different."

"Just my luck," Tony muttered sarcastically and glanced at the clock. Seven thirty. He only had thirty minutes to change and get to the office.

"Are you sure you want to wear these clothes?" Ducky pointed at the Ferragamo suit and Armani Exchange pants, no doubt these clothes made you look fashionable, but they weren't as comfy and loose as what Tony was currently wearing.

"These will do, Duck. It's only a few more days right?" Tony said with a smile. "I've been in tougher undercover ops."

"This does not have to be an undercover operation, young boy. You are doing more damage to yourself by pretending that nothing has happened."

"But nothing has happened," Tony said with a forced smile. "Really, no one ever wants to know what is going on outside my life at NCIS, at least not as of late. And I don't want to be there with everyone staring at me with pity."

"It wouldn't be pity. It would be support."

"Believe me, Duck. I know the difference. Being disowned and busting your knee crushing your dreams of going pro sort of makes me the expert in that area. The less people know the less we get hurt."

Ducky kept silent. He knew Anthony well enough to know he was not in a receptive mood. Soon, Tony was dressed to go to work and they both headed to the office.

Ding.

Both Tony and Ducky stepped out of the elevator. First thing Tony went looking for was the watch. Eight o'clock. Sharp. He raised his arms in victory.

"Yes! Made it on time." Tony said to no one in particular.

"WooHoo!" Ziva said in a false tone. "Let's make a party, Anthony DiNozzo actually gets to work on the time he's supposed to."

"Bitter much? Ziver? What made you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?"

"We, that means Gibbs, McGee and I, actually stayed working until late and unlike you, and we also came here on time." Ziva told him.

"I think I'll let your mood pass. It probably is a PMS thing I do not understand." Tony said as he sat on his desk.

"You prick!" Ziva yelled at him throwing him a bottle of glue. As Tony's lack of reflexes due to his round of radiation made itself known as the bottle poured open and splashed on his very expensive Ferragamo shirt and suit.

"I'm sorry!" Ziva now told him but both McGee and she couldn't keep themselves from laughing.

"No, you're not. But you are so buying me a new set of clothes." Tony said to her coldly as he took a shirt and hoodie from his drawer to change.

"And make sure it's Ferragamo!" Tony yelled as he stormed off.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: I'm really sorry I haven't been able to thank personally to each and every one of my reviewers. I swear I will! I just haven't found the time yet. For those on the east coast of the US. I hope you're alright. I've got friends and family there, so my PC has been cramped with family and friends contacting each other even if many don't have power, but when there's a will there's a way. I know many of you don't like me bashing a bit Gibs, Ziva and McGee but stay with me and there's a reason for why Gibbs is being like he is. I haven't been able to use my weekend to write which is when I usually do, but hopefully this chapter is long enough to keep your minds busy for a while. Hope this makes your Tuesday. <strong>

**- Lily **


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four - Home**

_**Disclaimer: Everything you recognize is not mine. Everything is created by my insane imagination.**_

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><p><em>No matter how hard I try<em>

_You're never satisfied_

_This is not a home_

_I think I'm better off alone_

- Home by Three Days Grace

* * *

><p>Tony glanced himself at the mirror. He had showered it took him over ten minutes to get glue out of his hair and try to save his shirt. He honestly thought he looked alright. I mean not 'cancer' sick. Tired, yes. His bag under his eyes revealed that much.<p>

People never understood his reasons on why he liked wearing his expensive suits. It made him feel good and important. Which was absolutely stupid 'how can something material determine how you'll feel?' But there was no way that you could deny that a thousand dollar suit made you feel good. It made you feel worthy. It was just simply impossible to be ignored.

A good suit made you look good. An excellent suit made you look perfect. Even if the world inside you was falling apart. And right now, specially now, Tony needed that support. Plus, the tattooed radiation mark was very well hidden from everyone's gaze.

He was left now with a plain white gym shirt that left his neck completely bare and made the mark completely visible to everyone.

Tony quietly studied his neck. Usually he tried avoiding looking at his neck at least in the past weeks he had. Why should he stare at the constant reminder of what could go wrong?

Looking at the mark on his neck who would've ever thought there was some evil mass growing inside of it?

He should start bringing a scarf. Or turtle necked shirts. He had rashes throughout his chest due to the targeted therapy drug, so he put some body lotion on it to soothe the itch. At least wearing comfy clothes had its perks, the rashes tended to aggravate when using fitted clothing.

But the damn RT mark was still there staring back at him!

He put on the hoodie and again focused his gaze towards the mark. It was still there, better hidden. He fixed his jacket. Again. Still there. He gave up. As long as no one really looked towards his neck, he had nothing to worry about. And if they did, then he'd tell them he accidentally spilled some ink.

Tony sighed as he sat down on his desk. He groaned. More paperwork. 'Come on, Tony. At least this is something you can keep your head busy with. No doctor speech right now, no nurses asking for your pulse or blood. Focus.'

He saw a small note with Gibbs handwriting. 'Got called for a new case. Second day late. That means you're cut off from the new cases. Keep working on cold ones until you learn.'

"But I got here on time today!" Tony said angrily out loud to himself.

"Nice hoodie, Tony!" Abbs greeted him. "What were you talking about?"

"This!" Tony said pointing at Gibbs' note. "I got here on time, but got into a fight with Ziva and she threw me glue that spilled all over me! And Ziva and McGee instead of helping me just kept laughing."

"Oooh, but you do it all the time to McGee!" Abby said. That comment was not helping Tony feel any better. In fact, it was doing quite the opposite.

"I do not ruin his hair or his clothes! I just glue his hands to the keyboard. The keyboard doesn't cost a thousand dollars! It's not the same!" Tony said bitterly. "I just..."

Tony paused. He just needed to feel normal. To make everything was like before. But these two days he was struggling to be on Gibbs' good side, so far he had literally and incredibly failed at doing just that. Tony felt he was worse than where they had left off two weeks ago.

"Just what, Tony?" Abby asked.

"I just need to get this done," he said softly and turned his back to Abby. He realized he didn't want to fight anymore. And he knew if he argued with Abby, it would turn into one. And she was right, even if he would never admit it to her. He had done these pranks to McGee. But it was to lighten the mood. To ease the tempers, to make time pass faster when they finished a case.

Fatigue was slowly creeping up to him and he knew he needed to get work done before it fully hit him.

"This conversation is not over, mister. Something is wrong with you. You are never this quiet. And I will find out." Abby said to him. But Tony ignored her. He kept his head down. Rereading the same paragraph for the fifth time. If he held his head up, Abby would notice the mark. And if it would be anyone else, but Abby, they would eat the ink excuse in a blink. But not Abby, she would spit it right back to him.

Noticing that Tony was not in the mood to talk, Abby stomped off with her boots clearly making Tony know she was angry and left without a word.

Tony sighed in relief when Abby finally got into the elevator and left the bullpen. If there were a marker somewhere in the world counting Tony's fights of the day it would read. Tony 1 - Abby 0. He knew it was a false hope. Whenever Abby got her mind into something she would solve it, whether it would be with her body filled with Caf-Pows or not was not the issue, the only thing that mattered was time. Hopefully Tony would have the guts of telling her before she finds out herself.

* * *

><p>By lunchtime, Tony had finished what he was supposed to finish revising from yesterday's cold case. He needed to write up his analysis whether the case should be reopened or stay closed, but he could barely keep his eyes from shutting.<p>

He didn't know how he got the strength to do it, he guessed his body was just on automatic mode, but somehow he had gotten down to Autopsy. Ducky and Palmer where nowhere to be found, probably still on the scene picking up the body. Tony saw in the corner a comfy sofa and before he could feel the softness of the couch he fell asleep.

Two hours later, Palmer found Tony in a deep sleep.

"Tony?" Palmer shook Tony's shoulder gently.

Tony opened his eyes. He looked at Palmer confused until he realized he had slept on Autopsy. How long had it been?

"Hey Palmer" Tony whispered. He felt light headed and his eyes were struggling to keep themselves open.

"I should warn you that Gibbs is headed this way." That immediately sent a thrill of adrenaline that woke Tony up. But not without consequences. His knees buckled under him.

Jimmy quickly helped him up.

"I think you should stay down." Jimmy told him.

"Can't do that." Tony muttered as his mind frantically tried to find a valid excuse for him to be down here. It was just not his day. Ideas rummaged in his brain. What to do? What would he tell Gibbs? Could he run to the elevator quickly enough without being seen?

Ding. He heard the elevator reach the floor. Nope. No time.

"Give me a file, Jimmy," Tony said quickly. Maybe he could deflect Gibbs questioning that is if he looked busy.

"What file?" Palmer asked confused. Most of the files down in Autopsy had to deal with, pun intended, autopsies. Something which would clearly send distress signals to Gibbs.

"Just any case file!" Tony grabbed the first case file he saw on Ducky's desk and pretended to read it as Gibbs walked in with Ducky. Damn. It was from yesterday's case, which Gibbs had made it clear on his note that he didn't want him to work on. But yesterday's case is not a new case? Or was it? Tony only hoped Gibbs was distracted and wouldn't notice.

"TOD, Duck?"

"About three to four o'clock of this very fine morning." Duck responded.

"Cause?"

"It appears that this young marine was poisoned, but to be certain you will have to wait until I finish the autopsy."

"DiNozzo!" Gibbs called as he saw Tony reading a case file.

"Yes, Boss?"

"What are you doing here?" Gibbs asked. "Didn't I ban you from working with the new cases?"

"Hmm, yes. But I needed to consult Palmer on a cold case!" Tony said hoping he wouldn't notice the file he was holding.

"DiNozzo. That file in your hand is yesterday's case, which you clearly know that you shouldn't be working on."

"Sorry, Boss." Tony said with a guilty look on his face. "Not happening again."

"Don't apologize DiNozzo. Rule Six. Never apologize -"

"-it's a sign of weakness." Both Tony and Gibbs said at the same time.

"You better get back on track, DiNozzo." Gibbs told him

"Yes, sir. I mean, Boss." Tony was a mess. Not that Ducky could blame him. Today's fatigue from all the treatments were making their presence clear.

"Jethro, I'll call you when the Autopsy is done." Ducky was clearly hinting Gibbs to leave.

"I'll drop by later. Better have something for me then." Gibbs said as he walked towards the elevator. "And DiNozzo, I want you on your desk in ten."

Gibbs glanced back to Tony as he Tony only nodded. There was something off with his Senior Agent. That spark that usually inspired trust in Tony was off. Maybe he was just over processing his thoughts too much. With his Senior Agent suspended from the case, Gibbs didn't have time for his mind to play around. He needed to focus. And not because he needed Tony, while he would never admit it, he would lay it easy on him. Tony had to learn to be responsible. If he ever wanted people's respect, he needed to be a great leader and believe it or not getting late was just not the way to earn respect. Finally the elevator reached the autopsy floor and Gibbs headed off.

It was the second time of the day that Tony released his breath out of relief. Work was not doing any good to him. In fact it was doing quite the opposite.

"Thanks, Duck." Tony said softly to the old man who had purposely sent Gibbs away. Tony grabbed the corner of one of the autopsy tables as he tried to regain control standing, but everything was swaying. Both Jimmy and Ducky quickly saw the symptoms and helped Tony stay upright.

"Mr. Palmer, help me get Tony to the sofa."

With Tony distributing his weight between Palmer and Ducky, they reached back to the couch. Palmer kept silent.

"Anthony, have you eaten lunch?" Tony shook his head no.

"Did you drink something, at least?"

"No, I was busy and not hungry." Tony responded. "Then I felt really tired and fell asleep."

"Come on, drink this," Ducky gave him a glass of water. "You need to get some fluids or you'll get dehydrated. I have those instant mashed potatoes. You should eat it. It's soft on your throat. I'm going to prepare it."

Ducky left, leaving young Mr. Palmer and Anthony to talk.

"Are you ok?" Palmer finally asked Tony after a couple of long silent minutes.

"I have definitely been better," Tony said shrugging. "Thanks for not letting me fall. Twice."

"Anytime, mate. But this doesn't happen just because."

"Oh, no of course it doesn't, Jimmy. It's because I've got cancer." Tony said in his most normal and careless voice.

"Are you serious?" Palmer asked. Not sure whether Tony was joking or not.

"I wish I wasn't," Tony said this time in a more serious tone. "I just wish this nightmare to end. I can't even work a full day without feeling exhausted. All I ever want to do now is take a nap."

"Maybe, that's your body's way of telling you to take it easy." Palmer told him.

"Desk duty is the epitome of NCIS EASY 101. I mean if I can't do this. What will I do?"

"Anthony, my dear boy, first of all you should eat even if you feel tired." Ducky tried to tell him in his most reproaching grandpa mode, but he couldn't really yell at Tony, his heart wouldn't let him scold him that much.

"I just don't have the appetite." Tony told him tiredly and turned to face Palmer. "Jimmy?"

"Yes, Tony?" Apparently Palmer was still processing that his friend had a deadly tumor inside his body.

"You can't tell anyone. Please. Promise?" Tony asked him.

"Ok. I promise. Can I ask what type of cancer you have?" Palmer asked.

"I've got larynx cancer. Stage III."

Now Palmer and Ducky started debating on the topic, while Tony ate his mashed potatoes. He was really glad Ducky was there to explain it to Palmer, because in reality he wasn't ready to give the full blown explanation of what he had and honestly Ducky understood it better than he did.

While Tony had initially thought it would be harder to tell Palmer and feared on how his reactions would be, he was glad he had told him. Not only because now Ducky could have someone else to release his pressure to, but also because now Tony had somewhere at the office where he could go and fall without fear or prejudgment. Filled with new energy from Ducky and Palmer, Tony went up and continued working on the cold cases.

* * *

><p>"DiNozzo?" Gibbs said coming up to his desk.<p>

"Yes, Boss?" DiNozzo answered politely. Since he had come up from Autopsy he had decided to give everyone a cold shoulder. He had noticed it was easier this way. No fights. No trouble. And he actually was finally finishing his written review on the cold case.

"We might need an extra pair of hands on yesterday's case. If you're done with that cold case, that is."

Tony looked at his watch. Five thirty. Nope. He didn't have time.

"I thought I was told not to work on new cases." Tony said bitterly to Gibbs.

"Ziva told me what happened." Gibbs explained. No apologies. It was just like Gibbs to act like his second B was for.

"I can't stay today. Can I work on it tomorrow?" Tony asked.

"I will not ask twice. If you can't do it now, then you stay on cold cases until you get back in the field." Gibbs thought Tony was being elitist.

Tony kept silent, while Gibbs continued rambling.

"You've got plans today, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked.

"Actually, all week," Tony said with a thoughtful look, which only infuriated Gibbs further. "Desk duty is actually resulting quite well. Stable schedule allows me to, you know, plan ahead."

"Do you want me to permanently keep you on desk duty?" Gibbs threatened him.

"That might not be a bad idea," Tony said smiling. He had already turned off the computer and was now reaching for his bag.

"Is something wrong with you? Or are my head slaps having their effect today on you?"

"Many things are wrong with me and you and everyone. Nobody's perfect. But hey, I'm pretty sure my head's screwed alright." He said with a grin which made raised Gibbs' anger even more.

By now Tony was walking to the elevator, everyone in the office staring at him.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Boss." Tony said as the elevator door closed.

Gibbs wasn't sure if the shock of Tony telling him he wanted to stay in desk duty that had stopped him from leashing out on him. But he was certainly over it now as he yelled. "What's everyone staring at? Get back to work!"

And with that everyone went back to focus on their work.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Just want to thank everyone who has read this story so far. I am blessed to have wonderful readers. It fills my heart each time I get a new review, alert and favorite. This piece was supposed to be uploaded yesterday, but my internet decided to take a break. I hope you all had a nice Labor Weekend! <strong>

**Please review it'll make my night. **

**Love, **

**Lily**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five – Fade**

_**Disclaimer: Everything you recognize is not mine. Everything is created by my insane imagination.**_

* * *

><p><em>I just needed someone to talk to <em>

_You were just too busy with yourself _

_You were never there for me to _

_Express how I felt _

- Fade by Staind

Next day came in and Gibbs was giving Tony the cold shoulder. Truth was that not only Gibbs was avoiding him, but also Ziva and Tim were pretending he didn't exist. When Tony headed to talk to one of them, they ignored him completely. Tony pretended to be fine with it. His throat was especially sensitive today and he wasn't going to fight with them anymore.

Today Tony had quite a difficult morning. His throat was too raw. He couldn't eat breakfast, he had problems swallowing. The medical staff had to numb his throat for him to be able to drink his protein shake and that was with his system full with hydrocodone. He hated drinking pain meds. It left him dizzy and trembling. He was also afraid that he could get addicted to them and withdrawals were a high price to pay.

Tony opened his bottle of water and drank some to quench his dry throat, but started coughing up. Even though everyone still pretended he didn't exist, he caught some concerned glances from his teammates and even his boss. As his coughing got worse, he went to the bathroom and took some paper towel to cover his mouth. When he finished coughing there were tiny red dots on the towel he threw to the trash can.

He took a few minutes to recover his pose. His hands were shaking as he tried to get them to stop. His eyes were watery from coughing so much.

'I can get through today'. He told quietly to himself but his voice spoke high volumes of his uncertainty.

He could pretend to the rest of the world that he didn't care when his so called 'friends' or coworkers were ignoring him. Both in Peoria and Baltimore, Tony had climbed up quite fast making some of his older colleagues jealous and ending up with the need to watch his six even inside the office.

But NCIS was supposed to be different. Tony had finally gotten a mentor, someone who actually watched his back for him and he gladly returned the favor. It hurt more than Tony would ever admit how Gibbs was treating him. Tony had never let anyone get close to him, as much as he had let his current Boss.

Anthony was exhausted for probably the hundredth time in this week. He felt lost, he thanked the heavens for having Ducky supporting him, and otherwise he wasn't sure he would have the will to keep going. But as much as you love your grandfather, he is no replacement for a father. Tony vowed to himself, never again will he let someone get close to him and with that thought he entered back to the bullpen.

Tony couldn't be more relieved when the HR finally responded him. In his ten years being working at NCIS, he had only used his vacations twice. That meant he could take the time he needed to rest. For now, Tony had requested a month of vacation. He knew that a month was not enough. But for now, Tony was living each day by day. He didn't know how better or worse he'd be.

While HR had given him the go, he still needed either his boss or someone with a higher hierarchy to sign. Tony had already mentally automatically dismissed Gibbs. Tony sighed. He needed to get this over, right now. He wasn't sure if he left it for another day he'd do it. So, Tony grabbed two thick envelopes from his drawers, one from his doctors and another from his insurance company and headed to the one and only person Tony knew that he personally would not care of his reaction, the one and only Director Vance.

"Cynthia? Is Director Vance busy at the moment?" Tony said to Vance's secretary.

"He doesn't have meetings schedule at this time. And his phone line is free, but let me verify." Cynthia told him politely. "Director Vance? I've got Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo requesting to meet you,"

"Send him in," Director Vance responded.

Tony took a deep breath before entering and was now second guessing his moves. Should he really tell Vance? He had never really trusted him. But he needed his approval. Was he supposed to bring Duck?

As his mind kept firing a thousand thoughts all at once, he hadn't even realized he was already in Vance's private office and Cynthia had already closed the doors behind me.

"Are you going to talk anytime soon, DiNozzo?" Vance spoke up interrupting his thoughts.

"Hmm, I think it'll be easier if we call Dr. Mallard," Tony said nervously. "I, uhm, promise you will understand after we finish explaining."

"Sure," Vance told him and then called Cynthia. "Cynthia, please send Dr. Mallard here."

It took two minutes, one of the longest two minutes Tony had endured being scrutinized by Vance, even though Vance pretended he had some very important papers to read and sign in front of him it didn't stop him from studying the fidgeting DiNozzo. '_What is wrong with this kid_' thought Vance. '_He probably screwed up big time and now wants me to cover for him before Gibbs realizes and finally kicks him out._'

Ducky had no idea what he was being called for, until he saw Tony and needed no further explanation.

"Have you told him?" Ducky asked.

Tony shook his head.

"I thought you would give a better presentation explaining." He said with a raspy voice. Ducky gave Tony a concerned look. His throat was worse than this morning.

"Vacation time?"

Tony nodded.

"Have you cleared it with human resources?"

Tony nodded again.

Ducky immediately took control over the situation. The once natural undercover Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo couldn't help but let Ducky take control over the situation.

"Director Vance, Anthony here needs to take a medical time off." Tony gave both envelopes to Director Leon Vance. "All he needs is your signature on these papers to make it official."

"Doctors," he whispered pointing to the one with Bethesda's envelope.

"Insurance," he said pointing to the other one.

"Stop." Vance said holding his hand up. "Would one of you explain to me what is going on in here?"

Tony sighed and looked up to Ducky. After a few seconds, he gave a slight nod, a signal Ducky took as permission to speak.

"Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo presented a consistent cold and cough that had been going on for a couple of months. It was a coming and going cold, and since there were many important operations going on and due to his delicate lungs and immune system, we never thought it was something that needed more attention and concern. He finally got himself an appointment with his lung specialist Dr. Brad Pitt, who insisted in taking him for more tests on a Saturday night in the ER, which was the only time Anthony here had available. His test results came back with abnormal white cell formation, which usually means infection, but the high level of white blood cells was a deep concern to his specialist. The urgency of the operation was well known for all the agents on the agency and especially to the MCRT in which Special Agent DiNozzo is part of. That was why you proposed the no phone, no messages, and no contact with outsiders until the crisis passed."

"Dr. Pitt got his tests results on Monday. He called Tony, but due to the current situation on the agency, the call was not passed through. He did leave voice messages, but they were not forwarded until Friday, when the rules were lifted. Mail was also distributed, which is how Tony got his message. He went immediately to the hospital, right after work that Friday or was it Saturday morning?" Ducky asked.

"Saturday, like at two a.m." Tony said.

"He was admitted into the hospital to run some tests. The results were given that same day. Anthony DiNozzo presents an advance stage of squamous cell carcinoma. Due to the location, it is more known as larynx cancer. Stage III. He started his Targeted Therapy cycle on Saturday morning." Dr. Mallard paused remembering how difficult the first Targeted Therapy was. Since doctors do not know which side effects the patient will have, the first infusions of these drugs are usually the hardest.

"For the radiation therapy Anthony needs a mask that immobilizes him, while the procedure is taking place. They have to create one for each of the patients. That is why we started TT (Targeted Therapy) first. And also Radiation Therapy (RT) is more effective when TT is infused before RT. In RT it is of the utmost importance that he does not move. It takes hours for the doctors to determine the exact spot, angle and amount of radiation they need for his therapy. They had to take scans and x-rays before marking the location," Ducky moved near Tony and touched gently where the semi permanent mark or tattoo was.

"The double dose of radiation Anthony is given 5 days a week, plus the Targeted Therapy treatment is taking its toll on him. That is the reason why Anthony is requesting a month off."

By now Tony was sitting down, while he saw his Director ponder on what to do next. His hands were still trembling, but he tried not to ignore it as Vance started speaking.

"I am deeply sorry of what has happened," Vance told him sincerely. "Are you sure you don't need more time?"

"We will see when the time comes," Ducky responded for him.

"Sir?" Tony spoke softly. "What I really wanted to ask was your confidentiality in this matter."

"You are not going to tell Gibbs?"

Tony shook his head.

"Right now, we have our differences. So, if you can tell HR to sign it off as personal time. I will be grateful."

"Consider it done," Vance told him. Tony looked at him in surprise.

"Somehow in my mind you were so going to refuse," Tony told him with a slight smile.

"DiNozzo, I deeply apologize for our past differences, while we both have our differences, I would like you to know you have my full support in whatever you need to fight this. Anything this agency can help you is at your disposal."

"I..." Tony cleared his throat, "I'm thankful, sir"

"When does your vacation start?"

"Monday."

"Start right now," Vance said.

"Really?" Tony asked surprised.

"You look dead on your feet. By just looking at you I am certain you should not be in here. And really, what's two days more, two days less?" Vance said with a smile. Which kind of crept Tony out.

"Alright, how can I say no to that!" Tony said with a grin. His grin faded as he started coughing again. This time Ducky handed him his handkerchief. Tony sensed a metallic taste on his mouth and groaned. Ducky was going to get mad.

"Anthony!" Ducky said worriedly, "Since when have you started coughing blood?"

"This morning." Tony told him. Vance let Tony use his bathroom to wash his mouth. Dental hygiene is very important for patients using radiation for treatments.

"And where you ever going to tell me?" Ducky gently inspected Tony's throat. It was swollen and raw, thankfully with no signs of infection. It was probably the RT that caused him to cough little specks of blood.

"Eventually," Tony told him looking down. Ducky sighed. He could never stay angry for too long with Tony, but he certainly needed painkillers.

"Come on," Ducky said as he helped him up. "I've got some good pills that will numb your throat for a while."

"Here," Vance told them as he gave Ducky the stack of envelopes. "Give this to Gibbs before you leave."

Tony nodded. "Thanks."

"No need. Just take care of yourself. Give me a call every once in a while to give me updates."

"Will do or at least Ducky will," Tony told him. "Remember your promise. Don't tell anyone. Please."

"I'm the Director," Vance said in fake outrage. "I've kept national secrets. I'm pretty sure I can keep my mouth shut."

Tony smiled as he left the Director's office. He was now standing taller, as if part of the world that held him down had been lifted from his shoulders. He could go home and actually focus on fighting this thing instead of struggling with keeping his façade in the office.

Now, he had to face the music. Just for a while longer. He knew Gibbs wasn't going to be receptive. Part of Tony wanted to tell him, but if he told him now Gibbs would just do it out of pity, out of trying to fix his guilt. And right now, Tony didn't want to struggle with dealing other's people's emotions, he had enough on his plate. It might be selfish, it might be not at all correct, but it was his choice. And lately having the power to actually choose was something he was loosing. He hated not having control of the situation.

Being disowned at the age of twelve, you had to grow up fast and learn to control your surroundings to get the outcome you want. He had twenty-five years without loosing that power, now it was slowly slipping through his fingers while he still tried to hold down the fort. He knew he was loosing the battle and soon he would have to rely completely on Ducky to make his decisions for him. But until then, he would fight tooth and nail to get things done his way.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: I'm really glad this story has had a great reception. I know I'm slowly taking more time than usual, but these past few weeks I've been in the middle of organizing an expo fair. I still try to take a day a week to write, at least for a couple of hours. I hope you like this chapter I think it's still not as good as I wanted it to be and it is certainly shorter than the last two chapters, but time if I start over thinking it too much I might not post until next weekend when I finally get a break. The ideas for next chapter are better. A couple of twists coming up next! Any thoughts of what will happen?<strong>

**Love,**

**Lily**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six – Keep Your Head Up**

_**Disclaimer: Everything you recognize is not mine. Everything is created by my insane imagination.**_

* * *

><p><em>I know it's hard, know its hard,<em>

_To remember sometimes,_

_But you gotta keep your head up, oh,_

_And you can let your hair down, eh._

- Keep your head up by Andy Grammer

* * *

><p>Tony went down to his desk. It was still early, eleven o'clock in the morning to be exact. He could, by all means, leave if he wanted. He had the head of HR's authorization as well as the Director Vance's authorization. For any other team that would be sufficient, and legally for the requirements inside NCIS administration it was more than enough. The problem entitled with being in Gibb's team and having Gibbs as your boss. While Tony no longer needed his permission, the least he could do was notify Gibbs.<p>

However, Tony never got the chance to pop the question first, since Gibbs had printed Vance's email telling him about his leave. Tony wasn't sure what astounded him more Gibbs reading his email or Gibbs actually printing a paper himself. In any other occasion Tony would've cracked a joke just then, but Gibbs stare was already digging him six feet under.

"Mind explaining this to me, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked. Tony could see there was a mixture of rage and confusion on his boss.

"I think it's self explainable, Boss. I'm taking some of my vacation time for personal reasons." Tony said what he had in his mind rehearsed a thousand times.

"Why did you go to Vance first?" That was the underlining issue and the root of Gibbs anger.

"Uhh, don't I need to clear vacations with him?" Tony said pretending to be confused of the procedure.

"You always clear this to me first," Gibbs told him, more like yelled at him, but who cared? Obviously Tony did specially now when the entire office turned quiet just to listen to them. Damn gossipers the bunch of them. Tony tried to distract himself from Gibbs' earful, but it is quite an impossible feat if you have him right in front of you.

"And then, if I let you go, then you go. Are you sure you are a Senior Field Agent? Or maybe I should demote you to being back to Probie to refresh your memory." Listening to Gibbs possibly demoting him immediately made Tony refocus on what was going on.

"I apo-" Tony almost apologized, but he recovered quickly. "I'll ask you next time, Boss. Director Vance let me start my vacation today."

Tony handed him Vance's note. Tony could see Gibbs was very well practicing his self restrain from probably killing him.

"So, you're leaving, just like this, you cannot take the pressure? Or your punishments as a man? If you leave DiNozzo, next time you come, you won't be th SFA, I'll give that title to McGee." Gibbs threatened him.

All Tony could see right now was red. Yes. Anthony DiNozzo was beyond angry, how can Gibbs do this to him? Had these years being each other's partners, having their six, meant nothing? He almost wanted to yell at Gibbs that he had cancer, but the Navy Yard was packed. Apparently, there was nothing else better to do than to waste taxpayers money watching the DiNozzo show. Tony had to admit, sometimes he did put on a show to release the stress that this type of job put onto their staff. But there was a limit and crossing into his personal life passed that limit. People currently just didn't deserve the right to have a pass into his private life.

Tony shook his head. Damn he was tired. He was tired of threats whether it was personal or health related. And it was true what the doctors, Ducky and even Vance said, it was about time he focused on himself and not the rest of the world.

"Believe or not, Gibbs, I do have a life outside this office and right now I need to take care of it. If you want to demote me or downgrade me or even remove me from your team. Do it. Because I can take whatever you want to throw at me. What I am doing is nothing illegal, actually it's almost illegal for me to work this long and not get a break." Tony said in a sharp low voice, but the message was loud and clear. "I tried to play it nicely, hell, I was about to tell you, to notify you as my boss that I needed to take some personal time. But would you ask yourself anything at all with the way you've been treating me?"

Tony stood up and started trembling a little. But no one thought it was due to his health. No they all thought he shook from anger.

"I do not need your permission to take some time off, this was just formalities. Badge, gun, cell phone. They're all in here. Don't call me this month. I will not be in contact or reachable. Gee, I guess I broke another one of your rules, Boss." Tony told him sarcastically as he purposely pushed Gibbs away from his desk to make way for him to the elevator.

"DiNozzo, don't you walk away from me!" Gibbs called him, but it was too late, DiNozzo had already entered the lift.

"If you decide after this to keep me on your team or not, just let Director Vance know. He'll find a way to let me know."

And for the second time in a week, DiNozzo closed the elevator's doors in Gibbs furious face.

* * *

><p>Tony was grateful that he had decided to take his car today to both the hospital and the office. It took him a few minutes to settle in. After taking deep breaths he let himself relax, he started the car and let himself drive. He didn't know where he was headed, nor what he wanted to do. He just drove. There was no greater feeling than the wind gently touching your skin and the sun giving you its warm comfort.<p>

He kept driving until he reached Alexandria. There was something comforting to DiNozzo of this old town. It was as if each building told him a story. His mother used to do walk with him when he was a kid and they spent hours imagining how things were before. Honestly, that may have only happened once or twice, when his father came for business with them, but it was one of the few memories he had with his mom and personally, it was one of the memories he cherished the most.

He walked until he reached to the Harbor, letting his mind travel around with his troubled thoughts. It was the constant questioning, whether he'd make it or not. He knew that a month was a joke. No one gets cured of cancer in a month. He knew that in time everyone would know as he would probably request a medical leave of absence, once all his insurance was set.

As Tony sat on the harbor, he savored the breeze and sound of the waves hitting the shore, it felt oddly relaxing. He knew he would worry Ducky, but having time on his own when he was fully conscious and actually with his five senses working had become foreign to him. A time on his own where he did not have to worry about anything, no work, no doctors, no nurses, nothing at all. He stayed there just staring at the waves. It was simply mesmerizing. He remembered a quote, he heard about it not that long ago, that Steve Jobs said in a commencement speech in Stanford:

_"Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become."_

And it was certainly true the first time he heard it, and just as honest this time around. If he thought about his past, he had unknowingly applied it in his life, specially in his childhood. But it was simple being a kid. Choosing right from wrong. Following your heart and intuition was the only thing that mattered. But somewhere along the way things have changed.

Those principles Steve Jobs had said, Tony had already applied it in his life. While his main dream, which was playing football, had been crushed in his college years, he soon found a new vision of what he wanted to become in life.

Tony wondered if this was something karmatic. While he wasn't a Buddhist, there had to be a reason why he had so much bad luck. Maybe his father was right and he was now facing the consequences.

It was already twelve thirty when Tony checked his watch. His stomach groaned. Ducky would have his head if he didn't eat something.

The smell of a pastry shop made him stomach grumble more. He finally found the bakery a block further. They had seats outside facing the bay. Tony grinned. While the nutritionist told him he should balance his protein, carbohydrates and what else more, Jason, his oncologist told him to eat as much as possible whenever he could as many times in the day he could. Jason knew how sensitive Tony's throat was and how much struggle even eating soft bland foods were doing to Tony. Cakes and puddings were one of the few things Tony could eat without problems.

He had already lost over ten pounds, but his suits and hoodie covered his thinner frame.

He entered the pastry shop and decided to try the Tiramisu with Chocolate milk. Comfort food at its best.

He paid for the cake and decided to eat outside. He was now second guessing himself with how he handled Gibbs. There was no way in hell he'd let his boss know what was going on with him now. Or his so called 'partners'. While in his mind he was opposed to telling them, somewhere deep inside of him wanted to just let them all know. But it angered him how they all thought he was just a one-dimensional frat class clown. That all he ever cared was parties, ladies and sports. He learned that people who didn't take the time to break down his façade were simply not worth it. For a while, he thought Gibbs had seen past it and became his mentor. Right now, that couldn't be further from the truth.

Jeanne Benoit had seen a side of him, that no one in NCIS had been privileged to see. When hell broke loose, he still loved her, but he chose love for his NCIS family instead of love for the single lie that couldn't be more true to him.

Had he chosen the right path? Was there even a right path?

"Penny for your thoughts?" A young girl around her early twenties greeted him.

Tony tried to smile but his heart just wasn't in it. "Not sure they're worth your trouble," he said softly.

"I'm sure they are. Sorry, I didn't introduce myself, did I?" she said with a thoughtful look. "Well, my name is Serenity Black," she said with a smile.

"Anthony DiNozzo," Tony presented himself.

"You have no idea who I am right?" she asks him. Tony tried to remember her face. He was usually good at that, he was an agent after all. He knew he had seen her somewhere, he just didn't remember exactly where.

"I also go to Bethesda's Oncology Treatment Center. I saw you about almost two to three weeks ago. You were getting some of that oh-so-lovely toxic drug into your system."

"I knew I had seen your face somewhere, but I admit my memory is a little fuzzy from that day." Tony told her.

"Yeah, I heard the nurses talking about the awesome looking Italian going through his first round of TT and I knew it had to be you. I mean, you're candy to the eye. I mean not to me. But my cousin was ogling you completely. She has a thing for Italians, like I have for Irish."

"Haha. Awesome looking Italian? Of course it had to be me." Tony said with a smile.

"Humble much?" she said teasing him. "I see your mind is sailing through some tough waters and your thoughts just keep pulling you into the dark."

"That's saying it lightly." Tony said sipping some of the warm chocolate drink. Tony took studying the girl in front of her. If she hadn't told him that she had cancer he would've never known.

"There is a light in the end of the tunnel," she told him.

"I'm just hoping that ain't a train," he spoke back to her.

"Haha. Trust me it's not." She took a sip of her frappe. "You know I thought I was the only psycho who drove to relax. And now I find you here."

"Psycho? Us? Believe me, we're nowhere near that point." Tony said remembering killers, kidnappers, and really crazy sadist people he had the pleasure of knowing in his line of work.

"How do you know?" She asked him.

"I'm an agent, but before this I was a policeman and detective as well. In time, you learn to have a sixth sense or just a gut feeling when someone is dysfunctional."

"So I'm not dysfunctional?"

"You've struggled. It's normal."

"Then it's normal for you too."

"Wow. I didn't see this coming. Reverse psychology. Are you studying to be a shrink?"

"Not at all. But I am studying music, violin at Juilliard's. They teach you about emotions and how they can go in sync with the music to make a perfect harmony."

"That's deep. I would love to see you play sometime."

"I would play if I had my violin here. But I left it at my home."

"Home. That's the reason you did your treatment here in DC?"

"Yes. I paused my studies for a while. But now I'm well enough to go back to NYC and I for once can't wait!" she said excitedly.

"I'm really happy for you. Is good to know people can move on after this. So for you this cancer thing is over?" he asked her curiously.

"It's never officially over. But you can't live thinking 'what if'. Right now, I'm super happy. I am on remission and I am going to part of the New York Philarmonic playing at the Lincoln Center and Hall. Then we'll be traveling to LA, Greece, Paris, London, Sydney, and more." Tony could see her eyes filled with emotion.

"That's incredible!" Tony told her. "I wish I were as optimistic as you are."

"Things will get better. Come on, I'll email you all my adventures throughout the world." She said with a contagious smile. "That'll help you when you're in your blue days, but you've got to promise me that you will write back and share your pain."

"I promise I'll write back," Tony told her with a smile handing his personal email on a small pie e of paper. "Thanks for sharing."

"No problem. It's no biggie."

"You've done more than you know. Today was both a very good and bad day for me. I just had a huge fight with my boss and my mind seemed to run a thousand miles per hour. Walking around here and talking to you have helped loads." Tony told her honestly.

"Don't let your dark thoughts drag you down. I've been there and thank God I had help. In the treatment center, I've learned that older people are more guarded, way more than people my age. I'm really glad you let those walls down for me."

"I'm the one who must be thankful. And hey! Who says I'm old? I'm just thirty seven. That's young in my book."

"That's like fifteen more than me. Old man." She joked with him.

"You're just twenty-two. God I feel old! And you're in the NY Philharmonic? That's incredible! I never knew anyone playing this young."

"I doubt you would, even people living in New York don't know about it. And besides, you don't look like a Philharmonic lover to me "

"Don't let those pretty eyes fool you. I'm a New Yorker through and through and I really miss the city. There's no city like New York. I just haven't gone there much lately. I used to go to the Philharmonic presentations, many of them during summer in Central Park. Sometimes I would go there early, and since I was still a boy, the performers would let me play their piano while they were rehearsing. Good old times."

"You play the piano?" Tony nodded. "If you would've been ten years younger, I would've so fallen into you. The only thing that you would be missing is not being Irish." She said to him.

"Kid, you're doing wonders to my ego." Tony said blushing.

"Not kid, haha, my dad calls me that." She said laughing. "Friends?"

"Of course. Though, as a friend I say you are insane."

"Tony, nobody has ever taught you the ethics of friendships? You never tell them they are insane," she joked. "Not on the first day, I mean you've got to keep a good impression on your first friends day."

"I mean, who in their sane mind will start befriending someone unknown just because you've seen him on the hospital knowing fully well that this person has cancer, the deadly thing you've just recovered from?"

"Because you seem like you needed it. People can become friends just because! You shouldn't ask the nature of how friendship is made." she smiled and pulled him from his chair. "Come on as my first friendship act I proclaim that we are going to the movies. It's matinee time, three o'clock! It's cheaper this time of the day!" She told him as they walked towards the cinema.

"Sure, like if I have a choice." Tony said with a smile.

Then she continued talking.

"You don't." she said with a grin. "But is for both of our sakes, I mean with all the scheduling of my checkups, appointments, treatments, family time and all the Juilliard paperwork for me to enter the NY Philharmonic I haven't gone to the movies in months!"

"Ok. Then I'll let you pick the movie." Tony told her. He also hadn't gone to the movies in the past two months due to work and then his health problems. It felt good just going to the movies. So normal.

"How about the LION KING?" She said with a smile.

"You haven't seen it?" Tony asked surprised.

"Of course I have, but not on 3D, and come on! Don't tell me you don't want to sing along to Hakuna Matata?"

"Nope!" he feigned dislike, but it quickly turned into a smile. "I'm more thrilled to see how the song I Just Can't Wait to be King is going to look in 3D."

By the time the movie ended it was already five o'clock, so both left in separate ways promising to email each other. It had been years since Tony had befriended someone just because. And he liked it. The carefree movie left him grinning with his head held up while he drove back to Bethesda.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: I know this is late! I know these are all excuses, but I do work and go to college. I just moved in to a new place and I admit it with the new episodes of all my favorite shows, nudge, NCIS obviously included, I haven't had time. But somehow my muse rose up yesterday and I decided to write no matter what. I guess it was the mixture of listening to Andy Grammer's song Keep Your Head Up and the very sad news brought the death of Steve Jobs, innovator and visionary. While yes, I obviously did not meet him his mind touched us all. I thought I'll commemorate a bit of his teachings in here. <strong>

**Because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do. -Steve Jobs**


End file.
